Part 7: Sloth

Sloth

I learned what the word apathy meant around the age of 12. My mentor finally pinpointed a word that described me to a T.[1] Throughout my childhood I have typically been very good at doing things, but never bothered much to actually do them. In 8^th grade I had a lock on making the school basketball team. I knew the coach, he liked the way I played, and I had new basketball shoes that really made it feel like I could jump higher. The bad news though was that I got sick the day before tryouts. I was told I could stop by practice and tryout later which is the easiest make up test I had since missing a 3^rd grade spelling test.[2] It was SO easy that I decided to just not show up. I didn’t care enough to be the new Lebron James before Lebron James even existed. I decided it was much easier to just come home after school instead of running laps.

Although I have many examples of apathy and slothdom, choosing the best example is simple: I once slept for 23 straight hours. I’m not even sure sloths do that. Take that sloths, I beat you at your own game. I don’t really remember the circumstances that lead to the marathon nap, although not knowing many details has never stopped me from telling a story before.

As far as I know I was not sick, nor did I stay up the night before for some sort of rager. Although I was prone to the occasional rager as a 14 year old. I was very cool. Always partying. However this day was just a regular, sitting on the couch watching classic Looney Tunes, kind of day. I probably made macaroni and cheese for lunch, by which I mean my mom probably made me mac & cheese for lunch with some sort of item on the side to make it ‘balanced.’ I would have made it but that wouldn’t be very sloth like.

I remember that nothing very good was on tv so I closed my eyes circa 1 pm. I didn’t fall asleep with the intention of not waking up until the next day but greatness is rarely achieved on purpose.[3] The day then passed by around me while I rolled around, sound asleep, probably sleep passing gas, on the couch.

1:00pm-5:30pm was very easy. I slept like a baby, but like a really mature baby who doesn’t suck at sleeping. Somewhere around 5:30 I admit I woke up to turn off the tv. I don’t count this as cheating, I count it as an act of commitment. I didn’t need that tv distracting me from my dreams. I may have also went upstairs to grab a sandwich which added some cardio to my sleep adventure. This all took place in under 5 minutes, which in the world of sleeping means it doesn’t count as waking up. There were no more disruptions until noon the next day when I woke up to finish my macaroni and cheese and live out the rest of my life not caring about stuff.[4]

On a final note on being a sloth, it took me over 4 weeks to write this entry. It doesn’t look good for me.

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[1] If I was described to a Tee, I would hope it was short sleeved.

[2] I probably can’t spell any of those words correctly now. Thanks a lot spell check.

[3] The light bulb was the result of Thomas Edison dropping a box of parts into another box of parts.

[4] I think at one point my mom came down to check if I was alive. I was, at least on the outside.