Charity
I just started thinking about this piece and I already know it’s going to make me look terrible. I have given money and time to many charitable causes including diabetes fundraisers, church childcare, and whatever those kids selling candy bars are raising funds for. I’m a sucker for a $1 door-to-door Nutrageous. I wouldn’t give to that kid unless he gives me candy for it, that’s the part that makes me look bad.
That’s the key to my charity contributions, something in return. It might seem like looking for a return on charity negates any good intentions. However, I would argue that the good intentions are doubled, maybe even multiplied by 3.2[1]. The charity gets my money or half a**ed volunteered time and I get a warm fuzzy feeling, or a girl to be impressed.
Things I’ve gotten “for charity”:
· Candy
· Cookies
· A concert ticket
· Executive Producer credit
· A “Beer Job”
· In a golf cart accident
· Dressed as a woman
· Suckered into singing Christmas Carols in an old folks home.[2]
Clearly I don’t care what I get in return as long as it’s SOMETHING. I think the hardest form of charity has to be giving change to the homeless. Part of it has to do with how tight jean pockets can be, but it mostly has to do with having to choose which homeless people will get your money. It’s impossible to give it to them all, but a few will see you when you decide their buddy Saul deserved your 38 cents and not them.[3]
It’s never just one homeless person asking you for money, there are always three to four staggered along the sidewalk . You have to do your market research. I usually step off the metro, count the change in my pocket, and look each one in the eyes (or eye depending on the street). I become like a middle school girl when choosing, that is, very shallow. If the homeless person hasn’t taken the time to make a cardboard sign, or learn how to drum on a garbage can, I’m probably not interested.
The worst decision I ever made was walking back to my apartment, I spotted a homeless poet who was a shoe in to get my 75 cents that was leftover from my trip to the beef jerky aisle of 7-11. I did not notice however the 2 other homeless folks I was about to pass. I got caught off guard when they asked for spare change that I said “sorry, I don’t have any.” I had some. It’s the easiest way to get out of giving monetary help to people who need monetary help. If you’re into that kind of thing. I forgot though, that as soon as I give Hobo Robert Frost his money that the other two would probably realize that I was a jerk. But hopefully they realized they should just learn a marketable skill. America!
One time I gave a guy a couple bucks without looking at him first and then realized he was wearing nicer clothes than I was. He had on a nice pea coat and scarf, with boots that looked like they were from J Crew. I had on a hoodie from 2003 and flip flops because I forgot real adults wear socks in February. In hindsight, he might have just been waiting for the bus to go home after work. Well done on finding a job, hobo joe! But poor form not giving me my money back. How about a little charity for CT the cold toe hobo?
