The Post About Nothing

I am having an internal struggle about whether to write this post about Jerry Seinfeld or literally leave it blank and write nothing. I already ruined the blank thing by typing, but I also have nothing to say about Seinfeld.

What's the deal with that.

I've been studying a lot of comedy, because im a nerd, and have been finding in my readings that most qulaity comedians always have something to say. He's smart. She's clever. He/She is really shaking things up. <<--that last one might be Eddie Izzard.

I don't want to shake things up with comedy. Isn't there a famous comedian who advocates the "comedy of contentment." Maybe things out there aren't so bad. Why satirize when things are great!

Isn't weird how I get to eat three meals a day and go to work in the morning. Zing!

Maybe that doesn't work. But jokes still don't have to have substance to be real, to be a joke. There are things in this world that are just funny for funny sake: poop, bromances, and a pig in glasses. <---adorable, he thinks he's smart.

I'd like to keep going with this, but I have nothing to say. (and Im sleepy)

Megan Fox sans clothes.

Off Limits

There are several things I have leanred from comedians:

1. There's something off about you if you do comedy.

2. No matter how intellectual you are, you will have a penis joke.

3. No topic is off limits.*

*in theory

Every comedian will tell you, its important that no topic is off limits. But I am here to tell you there are exceptions. Im not talking about handicap and disease jokes, they're hilarious <--- am i right mom's lupus?

For me there are two topics that are off limits: my government intelligence job and my ex girlfriends.

One for reason of legality and national security...the other for reasons of nothing the law or state could do to protect me from a woman scorned. I have actually had to promise each of my exes that I would never write a joke about them...and until they made me promise that, i didn't realize I even had any material there.

My ex-girlfriend walked into a bar...

I have tried to write a joke or two about my relationships past, but it usually just ends in nostalgic tears and ice cream <---in my defense, the ice cream would have happend either way. (and the crying?) The only jokeable things to happen in my relationships are things that make me look ridiculous and what's the fun in that?

My third kiss was my first kiss because i was too scared to know the first two happened.

See, not fun. True, but not fun.

Maybe someday when Im rich and famous from comedy [that happens right?] I will be able to look back and write a sitcom based on my relationship history where the names will be changed and nobody will get angry. and the show will be called Lanky Love Stories.

It will only last 2 episodes...because, well, you know. There's no love for the lanky.

bye bye. (MFN)

**Dear you, who i promised to not write jokes about, this doesn't count right? Don't be mad. Let's still be friends. Its all a compliment, really.

ComedyInitials the Movie: Back in Action

I realized this morning that I react the same way to anybody who shares bad news with me.

that sucks, im sorry.

You spilled BBQ sauce on your 4 year old cargo shorts, that sucks. and im sorry. You just found out you have AIDS and your cat died; that sucks, im sorry. In no way should the fact that it sucks you stained your shorts affect that getting AIDS also, in addition to, sucks. Both situations fall under the definition of sucking.

Webster's: Suck - ADJ - To not be good, as in, the opposite of doesn't suck.

[dear Webster, didn't anybody ever teach you not to use the word in its definition]

Sucks is the only word I know to use to console a friend. It either sucks, or there will be silence. You choose. (I actually choose). Depending on how much it sucks I might say it twice, say it during a hug, or while laughing. But it still sucks. Sucks is the only word, and it has never made anybody feel good. <--insert dirty joke here

I blame the education system in America; not because its their fault, but because that's what I've learned to do from the American education system. Fifth graders, along with fractions (please don't ask me to multiply a fraction without a TI-83 handy...nay, a TI-83 Plus), should have to respond creatively to terrible news.

Random moments in the day:

Timmy - "my dog skip died" Little Girls Name - "That's a terrible movie"

They'll probably be better at it than me just then...because they'll be learning.

All Im saying is, I lack the tools I need to respond to your emotional distress. I lack the words, and maybe even more importantly...i lack the emotions. and that sucks.

Sidenote (footnote?): In my family, sucks is a bad word. This post would have cost me $2.35 in the swear jar.

Meagan Fox; Naked.