Fringe: Comedy Inspiration

I decided to blog while I watch Fringe tonight. I'm not going to write about Fringe, or things Fringe makes me think about, but it will totally be in the background. (Actually, I love Fringe so maybe this blog will be in the background while I watch Fringe.)

You can't tell, but i definitely zoned out just now while some crazy ish went down

Last night was Trivia night at the bar. A chance to showcase my sports, movies, and being a man knowledge. My biggest answer of the night: Who was Daddy Warbucks' bodyguard? Punjab. Not only did I get to show off how important Annie was to my childhood...but i also got to say something kind of racist. BONUS!

Something not as racist, but slightly more random: Im going to shave my neck beard tonight. But keep it on the down low, i would hate for my coworkers to find out I dropped out of No Shave November. They will never know. I work in an office of blind folks. The dress code is flexible, but i can't read any of the employee handbooks.

It was a quiet first three weeks until i realized sign language was for deaf people. <--not a good way to make friends.

Who would design a pulse to give people amnesia? (Ok so i let a little Fringe sneak in..)

Time to focuse on TV, like an adult. Later crocodile.

MeFoNa

The Post About Nothing

I am having an internal struggle about whether to write this post about Jerry Seinfeld or literally leave it blank and write nothing. I already ruined the blank thing by typing, but I also have nothing to say about Seinfeld.

What's the deal with that.

I've been studying a lot of comedy, because im a nerd, and have been finding in my readings that most qulaity comedians always have something to say. He's smart. She's clever. He/She is really shaking things up. <<--that last one might be Eddie Izzard.

I don't want to shake things up with comedy. Isn't there a famous comedian who advocates the "comedy of contentment." Maybe things out there aren't so bad. Why satirize when things are great!

Isn't weird how I get to eat three meals a day and go to work in the morning. Zing!

Maybe that doesn't work. But jokes still don't have to have substance to be real, to be a joke. There are things in this world that are just funny for funny sake: poop, bromances, and a pig in glasses. <---adorable, he thinks he's smart.

I'd like to keep going with this, but I have nothing to say. (and Im sleepy)

Megan Fox sans clothes.

Off Limits

There are several things I have leanred from comedians:

1. There's something off about you if you do comedy.

2. No matter how intellectual you are, you will have a penis joke.

3. No topic is off limits.*

*in theory

Every comedian will tell you, its important that no topic is off limits. But I am here to tell you there are exceptions. Im not talking about handicap and disease jokes, they're hilarious <--- am i right mom's lupus?

For me there are two topics that are off limits: my government intelligence job and my ex girlfriends.

One for reason of legality and national security...the other for reasons of nothing the law or state could do to protect me from a woman scorned. I have actually had to promise each of my exes that I would never write a joke about them...and until they made me promise that, i didn't realize I even had any material there.

My ex-girlfriend walked into a bar...

I have tried to write a joke or two about my relationships past, but it usually just ends in nostalgic tears and ice cream <---in my defense, the ice cream would have happend either way. (and the crying?) The only jokeable things to happen in my relationships are things that make me look ridiculous and what's the fun in that?

My third kiss was my first kiss because i was too scared to know the first two happened.

See, not fun. True, but not fun.

Maybe someday when Im rich and famous from comedy [that happens right?] I will be able to look back and write a sitcom based on my relationship history where the names will be changed and nobody will get angry. and the show will be called Lanky Love Stories.

It will only last 2 episodes...because, well, you know. There's no love for the lanky.

bye bye. (MFN)

**Dear you, who i promised to not write jokes about, this doesn't count right? Don't be mad. Let's still be friends. Its all a compliment, really.

ComedyInitials the Movie: Back in Action

I realized this morning that I react the same way to anybody who shares bad news with me.

that sucks, im sorry.

You spilled BBQ sauce on your 4 year old cargo shorts, that sucks. and im sorry. You just found out you have AIDS and your cat died; that sucks, im sorry. In no way should the fact that it sucks you stained your shorts affect that getting AIDS also, in addition to, sucks. Both situations fall under the definition of sucking.

Webster's: Suck - ADJ - To not be good, as in, the opposite of doesn't suck.

[dear Webster, didn't anybody ever teach you not to use the word in its definition]

Sucks is the only word I know to use to console a friend. It either sucks, or there will be silence. You choose. (I actually choose). Depending on how much it sucks I might say it twice, say it during a hug, or while laughing. But it still sucks. Sucks is the only word, and it has never made anybody feel good. <--insert dirty joke here

I blame the education system in America; not because its their fault, but because that's what I've learned to do from the American education system. Fifth graders, along with fractions (please don't ask me to multiply a fraction without a TI-83 handy...nay, a TI-83 Plus), should have to respond creatively to terrible news.

Random moments in the day:

Timmy - "my dog skip died" Little Girls Name - "That's a terrible movie"

They'll probably be better at it than me just then...because they'll be learning.

All Im saying is, I lack the tools I need to respond to your emotional distress. I lack the words, and maybe even more importantly...i lack the emotions. and that sucks.

Sidenote (footnote?): In my family, sucks is a bad word. This post would have cost me $2.35 in the swear jar.

Meagan Fox; Naked.

Snow Storm with Clever Name 2010

To everybody I saw at the grocery store the day before the snow hit:

There is no way you were going to run out of food and die. You live in DC, you can walk to food. Also, Pizza chains were still making deliveries. Ridiculous. (but yes, I was also there)

To the one guy at the store on his emergency run who decided he needed to have a fresh, uncut pineapple:

I respect you.

Megan Fox Naked (do i spell this differently every time?)

If you don't have anything nice to say...

...don't say anything at all:

Kittens playing in a field of gerbera daisies, feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries while building homes for the less fortunate.

I would say that qualifies as a nice thing to say, if not the nicest thing. (would be nicer if I was involved, preferably barefoot and innocent eyed...eating veal.)

The Thing and I

I opened this blog window, convinced that If its open I will write something. anything. nothing. everything. bathing. seething. breathing. clothing. loathing. soothing. teething. writhing. <--thanks wiki answers.

words ending in thing.

I just had a movie moment, looking for inspiration around the room. If somebody would have asked me my name just now, and I wanted to lie, I would have to say: Me? My name? Its...Aspirin Pileoflaundrytrashvodka. Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

I did not go out last night, but was awake until 3 in the a.m. playing video games and eating pretzel salt. And yes, I do realize how cool this post makes me look. I really wish I could buy a bag of pretzels without getting so many pretzels. I would eat spoonfuls of pretzel crumbs mixed with salt. Maybe put it in a bowl, add milk, like some sort of heart attack waiting to happen breakfast cereal.

Im done, Meagan Fox naked.

http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html

I'd imagine a url is the best way to title a blog post. This url in particular leads to an essay way funnier, cleverier, and hungrier than anything I could ever write. That includes my most genius blog that involved the word cleverier.

I am currently concentrating on a new project. It is probably the most difficult thing I have undertaken since finishing my senior thesis. I've been drawing up matrices, graphing out projections, and writing three page persuasive papers...all with the ultimate goal of deciding which songs to buy with my itunes gift card. This is no joke, you need to be very careful choosing songs. Your reputation lives and dies with your itunes library. There is nothing more intimate than letting somebody surf your music collection. I've seen marriages torn apart by the likes of 98 degrees and sarah bareilles.

I Do Cherish You?! I don't even know you anymore!

I would rather a girl goes through my text messages on a first date than go through my music. Im not ready to explain why 30% of my music is Ska and how I feel like Norah Jones just gets me.

Spread the process out over a couple days to diversify the moods you are in, or fall to what I like to call the Dashboard Confessional trap:

I got an itunes gift card when I was feeling a little bit emo, aka newly single. I spent $25 on songs like Vindicated and others titled like "the saddest song" & "why are you doing this to me I thought we were forever" <---that one might be made up, but i did purchase the saddest song. gimme a break.

Megan Fox Naked.

As You Wish...A Blog Requested by @Aaronswray

Apparently when you ask Twitter what to write about, they answer:

Cary Elwes movies

Here we go...

I would be lying if I said I didn't have to IMDB the name, although I could easily pick him out of a police lineup. I haven't seen him acting much lately, so that might be the first place I would look for him. I should be nicer about this, considering he was in one of the finer films of the millennium prior to the Willenium (which is still going strong, although I have dibs on the next thousand years...dont be greedy Mr. Smith. ) Robin Hood, Men in Tights. I learned a lot from this film...like what it means to get circumcised, crossing rivers is easy, and foxes sound like Dolphins.

Cary was a cotton headed ninny muggins in Twister. He was all flash and heart. All he had was money, great equipment, a competent team, and stunning good looks <--wait, were we supposed to root against this guy? He was also in the smash hit Hot Shots! Which as we all know is Charlie Sheen's best known work...apart from his more indie work portfolio of domestic abuse and drugs.

Boom Roasted, Charlie Sheen.

He also had a huge part in Dracula, where he clearly was able to feed off of the acting prowess of Keanu Reeves. (I actually never saw it, Keanu was in it right?...I don't care, whoa Socrates). If you have ever read this before, or have talked to me for more than 3 minutes you know I think Keanu is a top 10 actor of my generation (seriously) (no joke) (I believe this) which makes Cary top 40 by proxy.

Glory was probably one of his more prominent roles...that I haven't seen. Although speaking of Glory: One time some friends were playing Scene it, the popular DVD quiz game where you guess the movie title given certain clues. This one clue was an audio clip of a big speech in Glory, very heart felt, and very confident in himself my friend screams out...i know this one, Nutty Professor. Now, I know I have not seen Glory...but Im fairly certain the plot lines, and general structure of the two movies is not similar (although im sure there is a lot of farting in Glory also).

Most great actors get into directing, which is exactly what Cary did. I hear he was runner up around 7 times for nominations in the directing category...each time for his work with...

....wait for it...

its that good....

PINKY & THE BRAIN

Narf

This post had no point, no thesis statement, but gosh darn it Cary Elwes...I salute you.
::insert picture here::

Meagan Fox Naked. (It means goodbye...honestly, it will catch on)