Old Folks Home? Neato!

It came up in conversation the other day that it wouldn't be so bad living in a retirement home. It's like going to college all over again:

• Cafeteria food and soft serve ice-cream.
• Most of the day is spent watching tv or playing ping pong.
• If you're lucky you get a single. If you're not, you're living w/ a stranger who probably won't clean up after themselves.
• You have to take tests. Only now they're mostly blood and diabetes related.
• You can nap whenever, wherever.
• No parents!! (or really any visitors)
• Every year 1/4 of your friends leave :( <--- they die, aka life's graduation.

All in all I'd say it'll the best last 4 years of your life.

This is the first time I have not written the title first. It feels a little weird. Like, I don't have anything telling me what to talk about. So I might just not talk at all.

It's a blog, you've never done any talking here.

There are few things I enjoy better than getting a lot of "likes" on Facebook. Whenever I need some self-confidence I can just look back at that time I got 7 "likes" for my thoughts on what kangaroo jerky tastes like. (It tastes like jerky, and there is no way I got 7 likes for that.) A like on Facebook is really just somebody saying

"I'm not a good enough friend to post a comment, but i support your thoughts on the subject."

I've noticed recently that Facebook's news feed is programmed to display mostly updates from friends you spend the most time interacting with. Its a nice feature, but now my feed is littered with posts from the hot girl from high school who recently added photos from her trip to the beach. <-- and updates from my mom, so its a weird mixture of emotions. Mostly lust and guilt. <<---Not lust towards my mom, resulting in guilt...but the bikini pictures...you get it.

**Disclaimer** All lustful thoughts are have been fabricated for the storytelling purposes of my blog. My real newsfeed is filled with, still my mom, my bff, my other bff, and for some reason my bffl.

**DoubleDisclaimer** I do not refer to my friends as bff or bffl...although I do verbalize bffl as biffle on occasion.

Goodnight. Not writing a title first may have been a terrible decision.

Love you.

Fox, Megan. Naked.

Nap Time is the Best Time

Napping has been one of my premier talents as a human being. It's probably been top 5 for at least 23 of my 24 years. (It was pushed to #6 when "having acne and no girlfriends" was top of the list)

Other appearances in the top 5 talents: Math (not fractions), Owning Pillsbury Doughboy T-shirts (2 of them, circa the year 2000), following orders, designing sneakers (circa 1998-99)<---if you find any drawing notebooks of mine don't open them or else you will be overwhelmed with creative awesomeness.

I have had the ability to fall asleep in the middle of the day in any location. I've fallen asleep in the shower. Which is very dangerous and any kids reading this should never try to fall asleep in the shower. Although if you're very tired and don't fear death by drowning, shower sleep it up. Its relaxing and warm. In Europe, I napped by nearly all the famous landmarks. Chip is writing a book entitled something like "A EuroTrip Guide to Napping." Sneak preview: There is a tiny park near British Parliment with a fountain that will put you to sleep with its ambient noise. Caution: tiny children will be running around.

My biggest accomplishment as a napper happened circa (clearly i love the word circa. I could have said 'around" 'about' 'approximately') 2001. I had nothing to do, I had stayed awake for most of the night before, and I went down for a nap at 3:30. I woke up at 2:30. Impressive nap, 11 hours. BUT WAIT. It was the next afternoon. 23 hour nap! But that's just sleeping says skeptical friend or internet stranger. Its a nap, I had pants on.

Back to circa. What are the rules? I know circa is used for decades, ie the black plague happened circa 1390's (don't fact check). It can be used for years. But I used it the other day to describe something that happened approximately 4 minutes ago. AKA "Oh yea, he just left circa 5:46" Probably not valid.

Than tragedy struck. Not circa related tragedy, but naps again. I have been having unsuccessful naps lately. Like, I just don't sleep. I wanted to sleep. But I wasn't asleep. I did close my eyes for 2 and a half hours which is similar but something is missing. I don't know what is missing but I am trying to find out. Today I was too hot to sleep...but I removed no clothing. One less pair of pants or one less hooded sweatshirt would have worked. I just didn't do that. So basically my first theory for why I can't nap:

Laziness. I can't sleep because of laziness. Sound theory, but cruel irony.

End of blog. MFN.

Notes of Self-Conscious Writer

Getting drunk and writing is probably not a good idea unless you plan on being a famous author...than it might just work out. I'm worried that drinking and writing may lead to me saying things I would never want on the internet.

I did poop my pants in 1st grade. I did pretend I didn't. Nobody bought it.

I worry that I'm not actually funny. Sure, I got 3rd place in a comedy compeition once...I also chose the judges, ran the event, and approved each performer. Lock for 1st place right? Nope. 3rd. At least the winner used a song I wrote to win, that counts in horseshoes and/or hand grenades.

I haven't gotten on stage in over a year. I have several pages worth of "jokes" but not enough confidence to tell them for 3 minutes in front of strangers who are in the bar just for the 1/2 priced appetizers.

I'm getting fat, bald, and for some reason stupid. This has nothing to do with being a writer...but everything to do with being self-conscious. Rogaine is nice. I use it on the daily. But so far the best defense for baldness is not cutting my hair.

Buzz cut = crying myself to sleep for 3 days

The secret I keep is, I'm actually super confident in myself. For the most part, Im too confident in myself. I assume the hottest girls will fall for, and marry me. I assume I will at some point write the best movie since Strange Brew. <---yes, that is my barometer. And I assume one day I will have a chapter in a comedy book written about me that says I was "intellectual, edgy, and fresh."

all of that after I land on the moon, solve AIDS, and create a Chapstick that you can't lose.

I just read the beginnning of this blog over again and its sounds way more sad than I am. I'm ridiculously happy with my life. I have a job, 1. I get to spend time writing about pooping my pants, 2. And I have 47 followers on this blog, over 800 on Twitter, and get "liked" on FB like its my job.

And if there's anything I have learned in this life, it's that you should let social media dictate how popular you are.

Megan Fox is the most naked.