Ginger Ale & a Wine glass

Anybody looking at me right now would think I was in the middle of writing novel. Probably a romantic, sexy, novel...involving puppies. I don't know why they would think i was writing about puppies, but they would. The reason I say this, is because in one hand i hold a wine glass while typing away on my computer. Would a novelist even work on his book while drinking wine...is that an image that falsely exists in my mind? It doesn't really matter because nobody is watching. Which is why i feel comfortable enough to not be wearing pants...but left on my winter hat.

I wouldn't typically drink out of a wine glass, but guess which glass was the only clean one in the building? Not even the glass boot was clean! My gay roommate is really falling behind on his cleaning duties. Just kidding buddy, I know you read this...and I know its not your job to clean up after us...its to keep us color coordinated.

Stereotypes are wrong.

Jess: There was this group of girls at my high school who all got pregnant
CT: Wow, we had a group of girls who got pregnant too...puerto ricans.

That is not ok.

Also, when did Kate Hudson finally lose all of her Almost Famous cred. Was it in the matthew mcconaughey movie part 1? part 2 on a boat? or was it when she took the lead female role in a movie where she was the love interest of not only Jason Biggs, but Dane Cook as well?
And yes I am saying this because I watched that Dane Cook movie tonight;

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

It was not very good. Sleeping is very good.

GOODNIGHT

I Remembered to Write a Title this Time

Courier Font.

I feel like it was nice of me to let you know I switched to a new font for this post. Most folks wouldn't be so kind. Unless you're like Kenneth from 30 Rock, he's a sweetheart. Plus he gets to hang out with Tina Fey, who coincidentally took her shirt off in last weeks episode!!!! I went through puberty all over again. Although now when I watch and she doesn't remove clothing, i get a little sad. Does she not like me enough anymore? I was positive I was about to get to at least television 3rd base with Ms. Fey.

My friends make fun of me a lot for my base system.

First Base: Holding Hands
Second Base: Cuddling
Third Base: Cuddling with the lights off
Home Run: Marriage

It may seem like a boring system, but its very fulfilling. While everybody else is out there hitting a few triples...I'm rolling in them like Sam Crawford. Yes, I did look up the all-time leader for hitting triples in the Major Leagues. I take this very seriously, Ty Cobb and Honus Wagner are #'s 2 and 3. Honus Wagner has a baseball card worth more than one million dollars<<--I did not need to look that up on google. I just knew it, because a collector never stops collecting.

I wrote a new joke yesterday while I was in the shower. The shower is my place for inspiration, everything cool I've ever done has been thought about first in the shower. $1000 dollars for the first person who invents me a pad and paper i can use while lathering up in a hot shower. Anyways...let me know what you think about this new joke. I for one, enjoy it.

Every year on her birthday, my mom pretends she is still 29, so that she can feel young. So every year on my birthday I pretend I'm still 17...

So I can keep hooking up with high-school girls.

I switched back to Times font for the italics, and now Courier again. I hope it didn't mess up your flow.

Speaking of flow, I'm still sick.

GOODNIGHT

I feel gross, like I just ate 3 steak-um sandwiches in under an hour gross. I won't say that i'm throwing up, because I'm not. And I'm not going to say what I am doing...because I can't spell it. The worst part is i found out i was sick halfway into a delicious chicken sandwich with ranch dressing. So I knew it was about to get worse before it got better...but i also knew I love ranchy chicken...so i finished it up like a champ.

I'm really distracted right now, which is weird because my room is silent and dark. There's nothing around to tempt my thoughts or gaze, maybe if i add some more things around me i can focus.

music added: N.E.R.D - Sooner or Later

Perfect.

ok.

still distracted.

It might have something to do with all my energy being focused on not pooping my pants. I'm sorry to go all low brow on you like that. I have noticed though that all my favorite comedians at least mention poop. One time my sister, in the same car as me, texted me "i have to poop"...she was 22. She also bought the family a book about analyzing poop, and what it tells you about your health. I don't think i need a book to tell me my body is mad at me right now.

On a different note to close...I have only two posters in my room. One is Nelson Mandela. One is Kramer. They are across the room from each other...and it looks like they are in an endless staring contest. It's really intense because one is a racist, and the other is well...kind of against that kind of thing. I think Nelson will probably win...he makes the funniest faces.

Not happy with today's blog...but i'm also not happy with being awake right now.

goodnight

Hardest Working Man in the Biz

I got my first comment! Too bad it was calling me out for already missing a day of writing. Instead of writing last night I went to the bar. But thats ok because Clown Baby started writing a new song while drinking...which means I was working. It's called "if i was single, i would hit that." (Not true Jacqueline, mom, and Jesus). Also, I can't feel too bad about going to the bar instead of doing this, because if there is one thing I learned from Nick Swardson in my short time with him...he's an alcoholic. Plus drunk Jess says that if he can make it, so can I...because I'm better looking.

Also while at the bar, somebody tried to read my lil moleskin idea book. I freaked out and almost stabbed them with the top half of my broken bottle. Or rather would have if i wasn't drinking from a plastic cup. I've also never been in a fight. I'd imagine it wouldn't turn out well for me, what with the arthritis, low stamina, and tendency to cry. Seriously, I've been crying a lot more in the past few years...I cried during the heartwarming movie, Mr. Deeds. Yes I did. No, seriously I did. I cried at an Adam Sandler movie that wasn't named Click. But I also haven't cried over anything legitimate, like let's say...Ron Paul losing the election. I got through that ok.

I really have to take a shower before going to class in a few minutes. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but my professor won't let us wear hats during class. For some reason, I like to pretend wearing a hat conceals the fact that I am gross and can't get out of bed early enough to write and shower before an 11:30 class. But it doesn't, its more of a signaler for me. Oh CT's wearing a hat...guess he didn't shower, and guess ill go in for the handshake instead of the hug today.
But I don't care, who am i trying to impress? everybody all the time.

WAIT! It's Wednesday...I don't have anything to do until 1:30. Who wants a hug?

"Write for Ten Minutes Everyday" says book in a stern tone

I don't write. I've never written. I've had an xanga, but I did that for the chicks. Getting girls is the motivating factor behind most of my life decisions. Its only ever worked a few times, and one time I got a beer job out of it. Let your minds wonder about that phrase, its not everyday you can be a part of a beer job...and I'm not about to tell you what that means. But I will say that it involved the words, "let's get a beer", "you're such a rock star", and "you're a good kisser."

I dreamt about being in a killer rock band most of my life. Well one beer job later and... Mission Accomplished. Okay so i can't really sing, our music is mediocre, and most of our songs are jokes...but she threw me against a door and made out with me like there is no tomorrow. So move over Tommy Lee, I have arrived. In that moment I realized my dream, I no longer had to fantasize. It was like waiting more than 3o minutes to get your pizza...when it finally arrives it tastes so good...and came with warm dipping sauce. (I just read that line out loud...I don't recommend it unless your mind is nowhere near a gutter).


Even after beer jobs and 3-4 live performances, I do still continue to pump out hits with my band Clown Baby. Song topics ranging from disappearing honeybees, to Lucy Liu, to not being able to close the deal at the end of the night with girls. <<---this one is a blatant attempt at getting girls, but has yet to, itself, seal the deal for me. However that is ok, considering I have a beautiful girlfriend who somehow found her way to me without any rock n roll gimmicks, or killer pick-up lines. She like me for me ;) and perhaps she has a thing for receding hairlines.

So since I already have a great girl, achieved rockstarship, and can't find a real job in this adorable little recession of ours...I decided I am a comedian. I will work for food, I will work for money. As long as I can get past the fact that I look like Michael J. Fox on stage, the shaking hands, not the charm and classic adolescent good looks, then maybe I can go somewhere in this comedy world. Heck I've read Steve Martin's book, and another one that claims to be the comedy Bible...I think it's called the Comedy Bible...so I must be ok at this.

For most people, The Pentagon helps protect Americans,
For me, it helped me be bored in a cubicle with a notepad to write crappy jokes all summer long.

Profound things are italicized and centered..and so are things that accidentally became italicized and centered. Other things that happened in my summer internship at the Pentagon: I ate McDonald's everyday for 10 weeks. Some guy did that for 30 days for a movie and almost died. Does that make me superhuman?, on death's doorstep?...or is there some tape worm in me taking most of the hits? Who knows, but what I do know is...I wrote for 10 minutes--Am I famous now?