You should put that in your blog...

Yes I should. But I don't remember what we were talking about. Somebody should blog about what I should blog about, that would be much easier.

We all laughed so hard in my dream about a pun I made about pigs...

I can't believe it either, but there is a funny pig pun out there, and I can't remember what it is! <<--No its not "pig pun", that would be a dirty pun: think about it.

I got a small notebook to carry around for this very reason, to remember things I can write about. But for some reason every time I check my pocket in dreamland, there's no moleskine to be found. I think it might be because I'm usually naked in my dreams, and there are no pockets on my thigh...

when I do have my little notebook, I love writing the stupid things me and my friends talk about. But none of it ever makes sense once I read it again. I'm a terrible notekeeper. Anybody want to follow me around taking notes? I can pay you in smiles and hugs.

I've been called a great hugger, I think that's the same as being called a terrible kisser <<--for anyone who doesn't follow me on twitter (twitter.com/comedyinitials) or on facebook.

Anyway, my notebook is just a bunch of random useless notes. Here is a sample:

1. Highway pirates
2. Traveling the whole way to Amazon Canada
3. Rihanna -> ugly/can't sing: ella ella -> Hellen Kella ella
4. "baby armada"
5. metaphorical candy reward -> real diabetes

The Hellen Keller remix to Umbrella would have been huge (#3), until Chris Brown had to go and ruin it. It seems immoral to parody her songs now. That kind of thing makes me hate domestic viloence.

I need to lock it up, focus, and start doing something productive to start a career in comedy...like invent a dream notebook.

Goodnight

What I did in Class Today:

For my parents who pay my tuition: I learned all about the advantages and disadvantages of international business, from the least risky exporting to the most risky/costly foreign direct investment.

For Everybody else: - (mom & dad, stop reading...not really you are the only ones who actually read this)

Looking at dude in front row - So many people are constantly working out, so that they can look good. Too bad they're always sweaty and in their workout clothes...kind of has the opposite effect. "Oh you have a six pack? I didn't know because I couldn't see it underneath that hoodie and overwhelming B.O."

Looking at girl, with huge...keys - Key chains are used to make it harder to lose keys. But I think that they just make losing your keys more devastating. Before key chains - "shoot I lost my room key"...after key chains - "oh shit! oh shit! I lost my keys. I'm screwed, my car, house, and chastity belt keys were on that chain."

looking at...well you will prob figure it out - There's always a pencil sharpener in every classroom. Until you actually need one. "Hey I broke my pencil, do you have a sharpener?" "Not unless you have a time machine...use a pen like an adult, or at least a mechanical pencil like a robot author." <<--that's stupid, robots have built in laser pens

looking at sudoku puzzle ...I'll wait for tomorrow...i am too tired if i start talking about robots.

watch out for the uprising, those with robot parts will be destroyed first

Goodnight

Blog Title

Sometimes my jokes are a little nerdy. When little kids figure out they’re nerdy, they develop a sense of humor to make friends. But what hope does a nerdy joke have? Does it have to sleep with a slutty joke? Or maybe sell the rich jokes pot?

its probably the pot.

Goodnight

My thesis was accepted :)

Now that I am graduating, there are only a few fears left in my life. Nothing too scary, just things that make me go eeeeeeekkk! [like a mom from the 50's standing on a stool in the middle of the kitchen, wearing pearls, after seeing a mouse]

-->

In no order, my top five fears

1. Spider babies

2. Red heads

3. Red headed spider babies

4. Getting stabbed in the knee cap while sitting and then having to stand up with a knife in my leg.

5. and commitment

Honorable mention: Bridge driving, MC Esher paintings, misplaced faces, and commitment.

Terrifying...going to the bar @ 10...reading a book until then.

GoodNight

Reading Stifles Creativity

The book is never better than the movie, because you can't share the experience with a friend...and the butter stains the pages.

I have a roommate, who's last name is Hiden, who refuses to read a book that isn't already a movie. I think it might be because he never learned to read, so this way he can pretend to read it and still tell somebody the summary if called out.

"I know you can't read, what's that book about?"

"Tom Hanks gets stranded on an Island with only a volleyball to keep him sane."

"Um, I think you have the wrong Cast Away" :

I've said it before and I will say it again, Keanu Reeves is a top ten actor of my generation. I have had many a conversation that starts with: "Keanu Reeves sucks." Only to have that same person chiming in at the end with..."oh shoot, and I loved the Replacements." Yes you did love the Replacements and Hardball and The Matrix and Point Break and Bill & Ted and Constantine and Speed (smart enough not to be in Speed 2) and maybe even Lake House...

Not the Lake House. I don't get it...writing letters back in time is cool, writing letters only 2 years back in time, not cool. What's it like 2 years from now? Oh right, I'm still alive in 2 years, I already know.

I've been Twitter-ing way too much. Its literally impossible for me to write anything more than 140 charatcters now. I say that, just so I can say this:

I hate when people use the term literally, when something is clearly not meant to be literal. I like to respond with " I would literally punch you in the face if there weren't so many cops around." It's worth it just to see their face after they finish uttering the phrase "wait, there aren't any cops here."

Goodnight

literally

Sunday Sunday Sunday, Kids Still Just 5 Bucks

I'm not really sure what to write about, I just know that I have time to write, so I am writing.

How many times do you think this guy is going to write the word "write"?!

I went home yesterday just to visit with my parents, hang out, and take them out to dinner. The entire first 20 minutes or so were spent with them saying things like:

Really, why are you here?

You mean you didn't bring any laundry home?

Who's going to be the designated driver?

My favorite part of the trip was getting to see my mom, tell my grandma, that she had 10 beers with dinner...and my grandma not looking surprised.

Of course that's crazy, my mom would never drink 10 beers...on my tab. She's too good of a mother for that...she never charges more than 5 to me.

And just because I love mixing pictures in with the writing of my post, I love you, and I also enjoy poop...




**I apologize to anybody I have ever offended or made to feel like a fool through this blog or my jokes. (Just because I wrote the apology underneath a picture of poop doesn't mean its not true.)

**"Write" (or its derivatives) <<-- 8 times

***Also, I am on a streak for receiving a "terrible vote"...so I want everybody who reads this post to vote terrible, and then give me a scathing comment...because spite is my driving force.

Ok Maura...You Might Be On To Something

"I have a bone to pick with you, you are kind of a dick when you tell jokes...it was funny
but that's not you."

Touchez miss thang. You may be onto something. Is it really believable that I would womanize (woman being loosely defined as girls, ages of 3 to 55), or make jokes about...okay maybe they were mostly about womanizing.

The truth is I know little about hitting on girls, and have been only mildly successful in my endeavors. (until I hit the jackpot with my JM...identity is being protected so all the men won't go and hit on my beautiful girl on facebook: Oops, don't write "you look pretty" on this girl's wall ) I should tell jokes I know, like being a loser, never getting dates, and having arthritis as a teenager.

Let's get down to business, 5 new jokes that don't make me look like a dick
written right now! (its not now anymore when you read this...thats more of a twitter thing than a blog thing...get with it friend.)

1. Its really hard being a shy kid. So many experiences can pass you by. When I was little I never went with my friends to climb the old water tower, and now I'll never know the joy of living a carefree summer day...or the joy of hepatitis. <<--tempted to say "or the joy of watching tommy fall to his death, but I think that might be a bit "dicky"

2. Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time in bed. One time I slept for 23 hours straight, but I think I didn't really start to see it as a problem until instead of stashing playboys under my matress, I hid rations of peanut butter cups and bags to pee in.

3. When I was a kid, I never got much attention from kids at school. I often day dreamed of breaking my leg just so that kids would take time to write on my cast. Unfortunately I never broke my leg...I did get arthritis though...want to sign my cane and bottle of pain pills?

4. I don't use AIM anymore, its gotten too difficult to flirt with. They added that "your friend is typing now" feature, which seems cool until you get caught not saying something. I had a girl who blew up my spot after seeing me typing for 5 minutes...only to respond..."cool". I wanted to tell her that I thought she was pretty and that we should go out...but halfway through my typing she used a winky emoticon, so I changed my mind.

5. Watching little kids can be hard. I used to baby sit a lot, and something always came up that made the night rough. I've dealt with crying, getting locked out, and a poop right on the floor...lucky for me the parents always came home soon after the incident...or so I told them. I got busted once, apparently 6 hour old poop looks different than the fresh stuff.

There's five, I'm not sure if I accomplished the part about not looking like a d bag...but i tried.

GoodnighT