Dating Strategies of a Sinlge Man

Its a weird day when you realize its been over a year since your last girlfriend. I say "your" but I mean me. It's like when somebody says they have a "friend" who can't stop selling crack, but its really them. and its heorine. and they're using.

get back on track please

Its been, depending on which break up counted, somewhere between 12-16 months of being single. It depends, because as anybody in love under the age of 25 knows, the first one never sticks. During that time I have discovered several strategies I employ to find my future wife. <<---yep, that's how i go into it. looking to wife up at all times, not at all weird.

These are my findings, in chronological order:

Strategy 1: Time Travel

There is something inherent in breaking up with somebody that leads to one thing, trying to rekindle something from the past. In my case I have only had one other girlfriend, who deservedly so hated my guts ("although I may have read that hatred wrong" says present day Chris who is on friendly terms with said first love) so I had to settle for kindling.

Hey best friend in college, we flirted a lot for several years, let's go out. It won't be weird.

Rejection. it was weird. (and sad)

Strategy 2: Friend of a Friend

What better way to prove you still have somethig to offer than to meet a lovely lady through a friend. I recomend having the first meeting at an ugly sweater party. She won't know that's really how you dress for weeks. This strategy may have worked, had i not been scared off by her asking me out. I'm looking for a wife, not a commitment to a long term relationship.

Oh and she's 6 years my elder

I just now realized I ended this one. Oops. Rejection

Strategy 3: Europe (aka Peacocking with my american wiles and baby blues)

I had clearly run out of opportunities in my own country. So its on to somebody who can't tell if Im slow witted or if my brilliance is just lost in translation. **Note, more time travel if you have friends abroad** This is a good way to meet really attractive girls who are fun and possibly smart. Unfortunately, living thousands of miles away and not remembering their names is a terrible way to start a relationship. <<--the vows would be embarrasing like right away

No rejection, let's just blame it on physical constraints of the universe. (ok a little rejection. You know who you are plane friend who watched toy story 2 with me and then never friended me on FB)

Strategy 4: Hours of eye contact

Bars. America's little love generators. This is not a straegy for the bold, but one for the timid, quiet, and shy bladdered. You see a cute girl at the bar, don't go up to her and buy her a drink. That's amateur hour. Just glance over at her every couple of minutes and shoot her a sheepish smile. Like seriously, every couple of minutes, for hours. Not creepy, endearing. 75% success ratio. Success here is defined by having the girl either come talk or deliberatly make her way near you as if to say "let's take this to a verbal level of flirt".

Rejection (by me). 2 outcomes, I get too nervous to say anything and its over immediately or I get a number and its over eventually when I am too scared to call. (sometimes I text, apparently not as ok as a phone call)

Strategy 5: Digital Funny Flirting

This one is nice because there is no pressure, and you can think about what to type for like a really long time and be clever and stuff without having any sentences that just drag on with little to no real meaning.<<--You see what i did there? Digital flirting is emotionally satisfying because you get to flirt, with a girl! and she flirts back! Bananas! Downside is, its digital, and digital flirting tends to escalate quickly to a point where a real relationship would not go.

I have said I love you, proposed, and planned to move to a new city, all over Twitter

All that would be awesome, if there was a way to upload it into the real world. Tough to go on a first date after proposing. Do I go in for the kiss goodnight or take her on a honeymoon?

In progress

This is where there would be a concluding paragraph about how much I have learned and how Im sure I will meet that person who will want to tolerate me the rest of my life.

Mega Foxtrot Naked