Sore Throat

I have one.

Having a sore throat is going to make it a lot tougher to dictate my blog. I might actually have to type it myself, if i have enough alieve to push through the arthritis pain. Did I mention i have a broken leg and my cat just died?

That got weird.

What I meant to say was, I hope I don't get sick for graduation. I want to be able to be naked under my gown, drinking hidden champagne, twittering about the boring speaker, while not having to worry about vomming on the girl next to me. Unless its a girl I don't like, then maybe it would be something nice to spice things up.

In my mind I'm going to be the quirky guy who gives everybody a reason to laugh during graduation. Something high brow, like a whoopie cushion or a classic "trip and fall" across the stage. But in reality I am going to be completely respectful to the traditions of graduation, and simply wait until my name is called and then trip and fall on that stage like an adult.

GoodN

Mother's Day

I want to take a moment on this day of honoring moms, to share something that I was thinking about on my long drive to come see my mother on her special day:

You must have friends in order to ride a motorcycle

Unless its Johnny Deebag on his crotch rocket, I've never seen somebody on a motorcycle all alone. (not like, there's never been just one person riding on the bike, that would be stupid to say...and if i wanted to say something stupid I could think of something much better...like pirate swabbing poop decks in Somalia.) There are always a couple of bikes riding together, which is both fun and safe. You get to be with your motorcycles brosephs/brosephines while at the same time, you have somebody to scoop your face off the ground if you crash.

But it must get hard to find a buddy to go with you if something pops up. What if a biker needs to go get some milk? Which biker friend is going to be willing to put on their white tee and leather coat just to help their brovolone cheese get some dairy?

Its nice though, the family bikers have with each other. They are always waving at other biker groups who pass going in the opposite direction. They become instant friends by having just one thing in common, their vehicle. I wish everybody who drove a '98 plymouth breeze would be my friend...we could be the coolest 6 dudes on the road.

In an unrelated, related note. I want to buy a black sedan, and find a couple bikers to drive behind all day. I would feel so important, and if i got little flags...people might think I am the president. Just a dream...like my dream of having enough money to yell "drinks are on me tonight" to the whole bar...or like that dream i had where the skinny hippos were trying to read dr suess to me in the hotel room...

GN

How many viruses can you fit on one IBM...

the answer is apparently 87,000+

Usually when you take a computer to the tech guys and they do a virus sweep it takes hours...not a week.

Usually the tech nerds will belittle you, not be amazed by the computer's infection.

Usually you wouldn't see your name in the office on a white board that just says "records"

But I guess I am not in the usually world. The techies looked like they wanted to shake my hand, like it was an honor just to meet me. Nobody can tell me I haven't done anything in college...because my theory is, a computer doesn't just get 87,000+ viruses...unless its trying to kill itself.

I'm sorry I overworked you, IBM, I guess I just loved you too much<--like OJ Simpson loved his wife.

Bold GoodNight Italics

Last Night

I grew up with one main philosophy. Nothing can get you, including monsters, if you are under the covers. Last night this theory was put to the test as I had an intruder appear in my room. I was getting ready to sleep, head on pillow, when I heard it.

There was a fly somewhere in my room, on the prowl. Normally not a big deal, but this fly was targeting me. It landed right on my face, I swatted, back on my face. Naturally my little kid instinct kicked in, get under the covers. Safe.

But every single time a hand, or head would pop out of those covers I would get tickled by a disease infested fly immediately. I was in my very own personal hell of a slightly inconveniencing nuisance.

There is a lesson here kids, stay under your blankets because monsters are real and they will eat you.

why does a bird fly, but a fly can't bird

just keeping the posts rolling.

Goodday

New

I don't have anything to write about, but I have a little bit of time before I go pass out. From tired, not from liquor.

I started reading "Born Standing Up" again today, and blew through like 100 pages in one sitting. Which probably isn't impressive to you "readers" out there who have probably already read through the newest Harry Potter book 6 times over. <<--is that the cool thing for the reading types these days?

I'm going to be in the DC Metro area this summer. Should I try and get a real open mic gig? terrifying. I don't want to say I'm like Michael J. Fox when I'm on stage, but I look a little like M.J.Fox up on stage. The sharp wit and classic 90's look, not the shaking...that would be tasteless.
Being nervous is a little bit of a problem. a lot a bit of a problem, lack of material. I came up with this really funny bit about how women are different from men and how airplane food is bad, I mean what's the deal?...but I don't think its going to work out.

I should just steal one joke from every comedian

That's Dane Cook's secret. That and talking about getting hit in the face. If its not funny the first time say it louder. Still not funny? squat down, and say it really quietly in the camera. Still not funny? hit yourself in the face.

Not a real post tonight, just an attempt to get back in a rhythm. More posts to come. Hopefully funny ones that reveal my inner nerd.

Goodnight